In a very serious profession, where billions of dollars are at stake, we think it’s appropriate to take a look on the lighter side.
The Accountant & His Wife
A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: “Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary.” When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: “Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”
The Guy in a Bar
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear an accountant joke?”The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6′ tall, 200lbs, & I’m an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6’2″ tall, 225lbs, & he’s an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”The first guy says, “No, I don’t want to have to explain it twice.”
Advertising Claims of Good and Bad Accounting Firms
GOOD”We can untangle your financial mess! We can straighten out your back-tax problems!”
BAD"We can crunch the numbers any way you want! We can estimate jail time!”
What's an Auditor?
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded
Definitions of Accountants
Definition of an Accountant – Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
If an accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing, then surely an accountant is someone who costs everything and is worth nothing!
Definition of an Auditor – One who arrives after the battle is lost and bayonets the wounded.
Definition of an Attorney – One who arrives after the auditor and strips the bodies.
Definition of an Actuary – An accountant without a sense of humor.
Definition of an Economist – Someone who didn’t have enough personality to become an accountant.
Newton’s Laws of Accounting
1. For every accountant, there is equal and opposite accountant.
2. Both of them are wrong.
Top 10 Signs You Work in Public Accounting/Consulting
1. You think a “half-day” means leaving at 5 o’clock.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
3. Ask your friends to “think out of box” when making Friday night plans.
4. You know the people at the airport and hotel better than your next door neighbours.
5. You wear grey to work instead of navy blue to make a bold fashion statement.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for living.
8. You refer to the tomatoes in your garden as deliverables.
9. You get all excited it’s Saturday so you can wear casual clothes to work.
10. You lecture the neighbourhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their processes.
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your girlfriend for an entire week.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll marry you, cook your meals, and do your laundry.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you that I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll marry you, I’ll cook your meals and even do your laundry. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The man said, “Look, I’m an accountant. I don’t have time for a wife, but a talking frog is cool!
Marry An Accountant
A patient was at her doctor’s office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, “I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live.”
The patient asked, “Oh doctor, what should I do?”
The doctor replied, “Marry an accountant.”
“Will that make me live longer?” asked the patient.
“No,” said the doctor, “but it will SEEM longer.”
There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question “how much is 2+2?”
The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02″.
The mathematician said, “In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof.”
The physicist declared, “It’s in the magnitude of 1×101.”
The logician paused for a long while and then said, “This problem is solvable.”
The social worker said, “I don’t know the answer, but I am glad that we discussed this important question.
The attorney stated, “In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4.”
The trader asked, “Are you buying or selling?”
The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “What would you like it to be?”
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like to try the bet” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?” The man replied “I work for the Canada Revenue Agency.”
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”
“Have you tried counting sheep?”
“That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
The Young Accountant
A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:
“Debits in the column toward the file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window.”
Take My Heart..Please
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient.
“This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart.”
The patient is pleased. He asks, “What were their jobs?”
“One was a teacher and the other was an accountant.”
“I’ll take the accountant’s heart,” says the patient. “I want one that hasn’t been used.”
Senior Partner Parrot
An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.” “Why does that parrot cost so much?” asks the accountant. “Well,” replies the owner, “it knows how to do complex audits.” “How much does the middle parrot cost?” asks the accountant. “That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts”. The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, “What can it do?” To which the owner replies “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”
What does an accountant do to liven up an office party?
Not show up.